


i swallow your heart (you make me spit it up again)

by jaekyu



Series: all my friends are wasted [2]
Category: Day6 (Band), GOT7, K-pop, TWICE (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 08:53:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7215865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaekyu/pseuds/jaekyu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>That’s the scary thing about relationships: this is the person you will be with forever or one of you is going to break the other. </i> Or, Jaebum's gets his heart broken and looks to the wrong person to try and fix it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i swallow your heart (you make me spit it up again)

**Author's Note:**

> after i wrote [everyone who pretended to like me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6477880) a lot of people told me jaebum's arc was definately the saddest. so here's a prequel to establish jjproj's relationship in that fic to make it even SADDER. 
> 
> so yeah, you should probably read that fic first because even if this is a prequel i think the dynamics of everyone in this fic might be a little confusing if you don't read that first. if you don't want to i won't stop you, though. 
> 
> also, um, ahem: watersports get mentioned in this fic. no one pees on anyone but they talk about it. lmao.

i swallow your heart and it crawls right out of my mouth.  
you swallow my heart and flee, but i want it back now, baby.  
(RICHARD SIKEN)

 

hit you up to come over to my place  
you show up right away  
we make love and then we fuck  
and then you give me my space  
(JHENE AIKO) 

 

 

Every story has to start somewhere. There’s a lot of stories out there about all sorts of people - good people, evil people, people who are not as simple as that - doing all sorts of things. All these stories have all sorts of endings.

They all start somewhere. They all have all sorts of beginnings. 

We’re telling this story. Whether it’s pen to the paper, word of mouth, whispering things into hands cupped around ears, it doesn’t matter: this is the story we’re telling. 

Here’s where it starts: 

Nayeon breaks Jaebum’s heart. 

 

 

Jaebum doesn’t know when they started to rot. It was like a fruit: shiny, bright and just the right colour on the outside, pick it off from the tree when it’s all ripe and beautiful. Take a bite and find it’s all blackened and soft, gone off from the inside out. Jaebum doesn’t know how or when it happened. It felt like he had only just learnt the groves of every one of Nayeon’s teeth and the way her jaw curved and the weight of her hips in his palms. 

The decay spreads. One day Nayeon says, “Jaebum,” in a tone that sounds foreign coming from her mouth. Before she even manages any other words Jaebum knows it’s over.

He tries to grip onto the idea of them and sink his fingers into it. “I love you,” is all he can think to say.

Nayeon’s eyes close. She breathes slow through her nose. “Okay,” she says, “okay, just don’t say anything. Don’t say anything and let me talk. Don’t make this harder for me.”

“For _you_ ,” Jaebum chokes. 

Nayeon’s eyes snap open, look him in the eyes. “Jaebum,” she says.

They slip from his fingers, leave his hands empty. Jaebum doesn’t remember what Nayeon said after that. Just remembers the sinking feeling of realizing he was still in love with someone who stopped loving him back.

 

 

That’s the scary thing about relationships: this is the person you will be with forever or one of you is going to break the other. 

Place your bets. 

 

 

Jaebum’s been single a whole month. Thirty days, a handful of hours, minutes and seconds. 

It still feels like a fresh wound. Like a knife just slid into his abdomen and twisted, blood and guts all over the floor of that apartment he used to share with Nayeon.

(Jaebum’s still leaking blood, onto the bandages he had hastily tried to dress his injury with. They’re soaked through by now, staining the pads of Jaebum’s fingers when he presses them against the bandages. He’s too afraid to change them. He’s afraid of what’s hiding underneath, what kind of infection he’s let spread through the wound, what kind of bacteria is eating away at him. Rot and decay, still frightening no matter how familiar.)

Nayeon still lives in that apartment. She wanted to paint the bathroom baby blue, something about bringing in more light. Jaebum remembers, and then he wonders if she finally did. 

 

 

Jaebum hasn’t been coping well. 

That’s an understatement. That’s being generous. But that’s all any of his friends will ever tell him or say about him. 

Brian says to Mark, “Jaebum’s been rough lately,” and Momo says to Sana, “I’ve never seen Jaebum like this before,” and Jimin says to Jae, “I hope Jaebum’s okay.”

It’s just different ways to say the same thing. Every single one of them sounds the same. 

 

 

“Come out with us,” Sungjin says. 

They’re at the corner store. Jae is browsing aisles of bags of candy and chocolate bars while Brian’s at the counter buying cigarettes. 

Jaebum hums, apprehensive. Life’s dangerous when you run in the same social circle as your ex. 

Sungjin continues, “No girls. Guys night out,” 

“Total sausagefest. We’re going to a strip club,” Jae interjects, passing by them with handfuls of food that he’s about to pay for. The cashier - Chaeyoung, her name tag says, and she’s a lot friendlier than the girl Jaebum normally sees working here - hands Brian his change with a smile.

Sungjin shakes his head, “we’re not,” he knocks Jaebum’s shoulder with his just slightly, “but, for real, come with us. Wonpil’s coming too, Mark and Jackson, all of us.”

 

 

They go to this club. It’s not Jaebum’s usual scene. A lot of girls wearing body glitter and brightly coloured shots being ordered from the bartenders and sweat and spit being exchanged on the dance floor. This isn’t the type of place you go to hang out with your friend, not a quiet bar where you order shitty food and maybe play a few rounds of pool. It’s the kind of place you go with your friends because you’re all single.

This isn’t Jaebum’s usual scene. He hasn’t been single in years. He regrets agreeing to come.

Everyone they showed up with have dispersed. Mark and Jackson, last Jaebum saw them, we’re weaving in between dancing bodies to make their way to the bathroom. Sungjin’s in conversation with a girl with long blonde hair who looks nice, if a little harsh on the eye makeup. Jae’s making eyes at the bartender while also trying to get people to buy him drinks. 

Jinyoung showed up too. He’s on the dance floor right now, grinding messily with Wonpil. He laughs every once and awhile, head thrown back with the multicoloured lights of the club reflecting off the sweat on his neck.

Brian stands next to Jaebum at the bar, nursing a rum and coke. 

“How’s Ayeon?” Jaebum asks. He thinks she and Brian are together right now. Sometimes it’s hard to keep track. 

Brian hums, “it’s whatever,” 

Jaebum watches Brian swallow down the rest of his drink. If he and Ayeon are together right now it’s not likely that will last much longer. Jaebum’s seen them through this portion of their relationship enough times to recognize the signs. 

“Sorry,” Jaebum replies quietly. Brian doesn’t say anything. 

 

 

Jaebum doesn’t dance with anyone. A few people try to talk to him and he brushes them off, leaning closer and closer towards rudeness every time he does. He drinks slowly, taking his time to finish the three beers he orders. 

Brian left about a half hour to take a phone call and smoke a cigarette and Jaebum hasn’t seen him since. 

“Jaebum,” a voice says and someone drapes themselves across Jaebum’s chest. When his eyes adjust to the shadow of the lights, Jaebum sees that it’s Jinyoung.

Jinyoung is so drunk. Drunk on alcohol and drunk on the way other people’s skin feels against his. He always liked that: the way two people feel pressed against each other, the exchanges of body heat, the roughness of palms against the softness of the skin you hide under clothes. This is Jinyoung’s checklist for a successful night out. 

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum replies, arms trapped under Jinyoung’s, inadvertently holding him up. 

Jinyoung hums, “are you having a good time? I hope you are, you deserve to have a good time, y’know that?” 

Jinyoung climbs into Jaebum’s lap, a little clumsily but still mostly fluid. Fluid like he belongs there, fluid like he came over here with a single intention. Every part of Jinyoung’s body that presses against Jaebum feels supple. 

Jaebum isn’t sure what he’s expected to do. Jinyoung sits in his lap and puts his mouth so close to the curve of Jaebum’s jaw and breathes out, fanning air across Jaebum’s skin and Jinyoung smells like sweat and whatever cologne he put on and everything is happening so fast, blurring past Jaebum and he doesn’t know how to catch up. 

It stops, though, abruptly. Jinyoung hits the breaks and cracks Jaebum’s head against the windshield and knocks the haze off of him. “I’ll be right back,” Jinyoung says, sliding off Jaebum’s lap, “right back, have a good time, stay right here and I’ll come back,” 

He kisses Jaebum’s cheek before he leaves. 

 

 

Jinyoung doesn’t come back. Sungjin comes to Jaebum and asks if he’s staying at their place tonight and if he is if he wants to split a cab there. 

“Hey,” Jaebum says, after they exit the club. Brian’s out there, holding them all up by forcing them to wait for him to finish his cigarette. Jaebum doesn’t ask him where he went. “Did you see where Jinyoung went?”

“What?” Sungjin raises an eyebrow, shuffling through his wallet for bills to pay the taxi when they get home. “I think he left with Wonpil,” 

An odd sort of feeling gnaws at Jaebum’s gut. He slides into the cab and ignores it.

 

 

From the couch tonight, all of the lights off and no company except for the hum of the fridge, Jaebum hears a few things:

Jae knocked out from a few beers and a few blunts, snoring loud enough for it to be heard through the not exactly thick walls of this apartment.

Sungjin, in the bathroom, brushing his teeth with an electric toothbrush while he leaves the water running.

And Brian in his room, talking too low for Jaebum to understand what he says but just loud enough for Jaebum to know he’s on the phone. His voices raises occasionally. Jaebum thinks he hears Brian call the person on the other side of the line Ayeon. 

 

 

(Jaebum digs his phone out of his pocket.

 _You never came back_ , he types out to Jinyoung.

Jaebum blinks at the words, once, twice. Rereads them, a third time, a fourth. 

Deletes them, once. Shoves his phone back into his pocket, once. 

Listens to Sungjin turn off the sink. Just once.)

 

 

Jae wants to throw a party. Jae wants to throw a party because Jae acts like he’s still in college. 

“False,” Jae counters, finger pointed at Brian when he says this. “I never even went to parties in college, let alone throw any.”

It doesn’t matter. Jae still acts like he’s in college, wants to take the fruit bowl Sungjin has carefully stacked with bananas and bright green apples and move it so they can make the dining room table a space to play beer pong. Wants to buy a keg, wants Brian to call his hook up for some weed, wants to play rap songs that were on the Top 40 when Jae was in college. 

Sungjin allows the beer pong table to happen, settles on splitting a few bottles of alcohol between them and telling everyone if they want anything else they need to bring it themselves. He even lets Jae buy the weed - but they have to smoke it out on the balcony, at least. 

Jae invites everyone the old fashioned way: mass text with the bare minimum info everyone needs and a myriad of emojis. A chorus of text tones ring through the apartment after he sends it. 

Brian opens his phone to turn off notifications from the group chat and promptly slaps Jae on the back of the head. “You jackass,” he sneers quietly. 

“What the fuck?” Jae spins to face Brian and give him a kick to the shin in retaliation. Brian dodges. “What did I do?”

Everyone’s phones vibrate with a chorus of _we’ll be there!_ and _yesssss, i’m gonna turn tf up dudes_. There’s a text from Nayeon, too, a simple _kk_ with a smiling emoji. 

Oh.

“Oh, shit,” Jae says when he spots it too. “Oh fuck, I fucked up. Dude, Jaebum, I’m sorry, bro,” 

Jaebum wants to tell Jae to tell Nayeon she can’t come. But Jae can’t do that, what’s that going to look like? Jae and Nayeon aren’t mad at each other. Jae’s not going to invite her and then rudely rescind to the invitation. That’s not fair. 

Jaebum could leave for the night. But where is he going to go? All his friends are going to be here. He doesn’t want to be lonely at some bar drinking shitty beer and feeling sorry for himself. 

Jaebum bites his lip, bites the metaphorical bullet and says, “don’t worry,” first and then, louder and trying to sound more sure, “it’s fine, Jae.”

 

 

It’s not fine. It’s not even close to being fine. 

Nayeon shows up with Momo and Sana. Jaebum notices as soon as she steps over the threshold of the apartment door. She doesn’t look any different, Jaebum’s not sure if he expected her to have changed much or not. 

The parties in full swing when Nayeon shows up. Sana and Youngjae are kicking Jackson and Momo’s ass at beer pong, everyone’s laughing and talking loud. Jaebum should be able to avoid Nayeon easily, block her out from his peripheral and keep her voice out of his ears and head and her name off his tongue. 

Jaebum thinks he might need help, though, so he finds Jae to persuade him to go smoke a blunt. 

 

 

(Jae comes up to Brian and Sungjin reeking of weed and swaying a little, but still in his right mind. “Jaebum,” he tells them, “drank two beers and smoked most of the blunt I rolled for the two of us and I don’t think he’s stopping soon,” 

“Okay,” Sungjin replies wearily. 

“Operation Keep Jaebum from Embarrassing Himself In Front Of His Ex While Drunk is in full effect, my friends,” Jae puts one hand on each of their shoulders, “we need code names.”

Brian scoffs, “your Operation needs a catchier name,”) 

 

Jinyoung is kissing him. Jaebum doesn’t know how he got here but Jinyoung is kissing him, arms wrapped around his neck and hips slotted against Jaebum. 

He’s not trying to compare him to Nayeon, he really isn’t, but his brain is working without him. Telling him Jinyoung pushes where Nayeon used to pull, how Jinyoung advances on Jaebum when Nayeon used to tease him to follow her. 

“Stop thinking,” Jinyoung says, threading his fingers through Jaebum’s hair. The party is still going on around them. Jaebum forgot, forgot they weren’t alone in this room. Forgot somewhere in this room Nayeon might have seen the two of them - Jaebum pinned between a wall and the length of Jinyoung’s body. 

The thought spurs Jaebum on. “Make me,” he challenges Jinyoung.

Jinyoung smirks, “come over tonight,” 

 

 

Jinyoung’s sheets and pillows are soft and smell freshly washed. The bed creaks gently while Jinyoung rides Jaebum’s dick as hard as he can. 

“Are you fucking me because you feel sorry for me?” Jaebum asks. He’s still drunk, he’s still kind of high, it slips out of his mouth before he can swallow the words back down his throat. 

“I’m fucking you,” Jinyoung replies, dropping his hands to Jaebum’s chest and digging his nails into Jaebum’s pectorals, catching his nipple briefly. “Because I want to fuck you. Now shut up and fuck me _good_.” 

 

 

“That night you left me at the bar,” Jaebum starts. He’s in Jinyoung’s bed, a mess of white sheets spread out, catching late morning sunlight that pours in through Jinyoung’s bedroom window. “You left with Wonpil, right?”

“I did,” Jinyoung replies. 

“Did you fuck him?”

Jinyoung doesn’t reply. He fixes Jaebum with a look - a sharp curve to his mouth and a dip in his brow and a look in his eyes that tells Jaebum all he needs to know without saying a single word.

“Do you fuck all our single friends,” Jaebum asks next, moving to rest on his stomach with one of Jinyoung's pillows bunched up under his chest. 

“Not actively,” Jinyoung says. He’s drying his hair after a shower, naked and dripping water droplets down all the edges of his body. Jaebum watches one slide from the base of his neck, down his spine, stopping above the curve of his ass. “Doesn’t mean I’m not trying,” 

Jinyoung is smirking as he says it. Jaebum chuckles lightly, turning onto his back and stretching out all his limbs. He reaches an arm out towards Jinyoung. “Come here,” Jaebum breathes quietly. 

Jinyoung faces Jaebum properly, dropping his towel onto his bedroom floor. “Who, me?” He asks, faux-demure with how he bats his lashes while his grin is still wolfish. 

Jinyoung has always been one of those wolf in sheep’s clothing types. Sometimes he lets those predatory qualities slip through. Jaebum likes that, the way Jinyoung can be sharp like a knife. 

Jinyoung’s skin is soft, though. It bruises easily under the pressure of Jaebum’s fingers. 

Jinyoung steps over to the edge of the bed closest to Jaebum and Jaebum grips his hips to pull Jinyoung forward and onto the bed. Jinyoung’s end up straddling Jaebum’s lap, hands on Jaebum’s shoulders to balance himself. Only a sheet separates the two of them, both still naked and obviously so in the light of the day like this. 

Jaebum lays Jinyoung out on the bed, spreads him open and licks into him. Listens to every small and quiet or loud and broken noise Jinyoung makes with every rough press of Jaebum’s tongue, runs his palms on the skin of the back of Jinyoung’s thighs. 

They fuck again with the sunlight shifting shadows across the room as it raises itself higher into the sky. 

 

 

Jaebum spends a lot of time at Jinyoung’s house after that. Jinyoung buys him a toothbrush for his medicine cabinet and lets Jaebum barrow his shampoo and conditioner. It’s a lot like dating.

Jaebum doesn’t think about it too much. They aren’t dating. 

They fuck a lot. Jinyoung likes fucking in the shower and Jaebum finds he enjoys it too. 

Jinyoung likes sucking Jaebum’s dick with water washing over the two of them and steam rising around them and Jaebum likes lifting Jinyoung up and against the tiles and feeling all that heat between the two of them. 

There’s other things he likes about Jinyoung. He likes when Jinyoung sends him pictures of him all flushed and naked, tiny pink nipples and hand around his leaking cock. He likes when Jinyoung kisses the spot under his ear that he discovered makes Jaebum shiver. He likes watching Jinyoung open himself up for Jaebum, slower and more thorough then they both know Jinyoung needs. 

He likes when Jinyoung kisses him before he leaves, too. When he asks what Jaebum wants for breakfast. When he texts Jaebum that he misses him. 

He doesn’t think about it too much. They aren’t dating. 

 

 

“Let’s play would you rather,” Jinyoung says. He’s naked because if he’s around Jaebum and they’re alone and they can be naked then they usually are. He’s laying on his side, facing Jaebum with his hair fanned out across the pillow. 

“Okay,” Jaebum indulges. He does that a lot - indulging Jinyoung. 

“I’ll go first,” Jinyoung quips, oddly excited, “would you rather . . . piss on me,” he says it so nonchalant Jaebum almost chokes. Jinyoung smiles wryly, “or should I piss on you?” 

“Have you been hiding a watersports kink from me?” Jaebum replies, avoiding answering the question. 

“Hmm, no,” Jinyoung explains, “but we fuck in the shower a lot and that’s the next logical step for that. I also believe in trying everything at least once, how else do you know if you like it or not?” 

Jaebum swallows as Jinyoung levels him with a look caught somewhere between a leer and a challenge. “I’m not answering that,” Jaebum says quickly. 

“Okay but that means you have to answer the next one,” Jaebum sighs, but nods and let’s Jinyoung ask another. “Would you rather,” Jinyoung starts. He wriggles closer to the Jaebum, so their shins touch and their foreheads nearly do, their eyes meet and their lips nearly do too. “Would you rather stay here with me or - or would you rather go back to Nayeon?” 

Jinyoung digging his fingers into that infected wound Jaebum tried to patch up, that’s what it feels like. It feels like Jinyoung had Jaebum convinced he wanted to pull the infection out but all he did is open up all the parts that had scabbed over. 

That’s what it feels like. 

“Why would you say that,” Jaebum grits through his teeth, jaw set and brow creased. “Why would you ask me that?” 

Jinyoung shrugs, “you have to answer.” 

Jaebum does not answer. He collects his things and he leaves. 

 

 

Jaebum doesn’t talk to Jinyoung for a long time. 

(Together forever or one of you will break the other.

Don’t think about that. They weren’t dating.)

 

 

“This party blows,” Jae upturns his bottle of beer to finish it. He aims it towards the trash, tosses, and misses by a mile. Sungjin picks it up and deposits it correctly into the recycling bin. 

They came to one of Brian’s friends parties because Brian and Ayeon just broke up and Brian had sounded so pathetic when he begged them to come with him. Jaebum’s never met this guy, Sungjin and Jae said he’s come over a few times but he never hangs out for long. His name is Terry, Jaebum thinks he remembers when Brian introduced them all. 

The three of them - Jaebum, Jae and Sungjin - have just been sitting in this apartments kitchen. Drinking bottles of beer they didn’t pay for and snacks laid out on the counter. Jae has finished two cans of Pringles to himself, perched on the counter beside Jaebum and across from Sungjin.

Dowoon’s here too. He brought Jimin and Jimin brought Yerin. Wonpil came too. Wonpil brought Jinyoung. 

“This party blows,” Jaebum agrees with Jae lamely.

Jaebum has been struggling with the idea of talking to Wonpil. He’s gone back and forth about it since he and Jinyoung stopped talking themsekves. Does Wonpil know what he is to Jinyoung? Does he know that Jaebum was there in Jinyoung’s bed every night that Wonpil wasn’t? 

Does he know what Jaebum is to Jinyoung? 

(Can he tell Jaebum what he is to Jinyoung because Jaebum doesn’t know.) 

 

 

Jaebum goes to piss. Jinyoung corners him. Just the two of them in the dark hallway that leads to the bathroom, the party filled with people just the other side of a wall. “Do you hate me now?” 

Jaebum doesn’t tell Jinyoung he could never hate him. Instead he says, “aren’t you here with Wonpil?” 

“You never answer my questions,” Jinyoung says. He’s walking on hot coals, right now, testing all his limits with Jaebum and Jaebum is just letting him. Would probably walk across the coals instead of Jinyoung if he asked. “Why should I answer any of yours?” 

“Okay,” Jaebum puts a hand on Jinyoung’s hip, pulls him a closer. This is all it took - all it took was proximity for Jaebum to want to get his hands on Jinyoung again, dig them in hard, leave bruises and not let him go. This is dumb and dangerous but Jaebum doesn’t let go. “Ask me another question. I’ll answer it.” 

Jaebum half expects him to ask the question from weeks ago, half expects to say me or Nayeon? And Jinyoung looks like he considers it for half a second.

“Come home with me?” is the question Jinyoung ends up asking, fingers clutching into Jaebum’s shirt.

A wolf in sheep’s clothing. 

“Okay,” 

 

 

It’s a familiar feeling, being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back.


End file.
